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And then God blew my mind, Year of the Come Up

12/18/2018

Buckle up, this is a long one.

It started with a sermon.

I sat near the back row of my church on a late Wednesday night, the year had just rolled over less than two weeks ago, and sermons were still peppered with hopeful resolutions, and yearnings that THIS year would be the game-changer.

Not my thing.

I clutched my son close, falling asleep at my side, and my daughter on the other, resting her head. I don't even make resolutions, so it's not often you'll catch stars in my eyes because we'd moved from December to January.

Still, I listened. My pastor, Tye Tribbett, spoke passionately, and then dropped his theme for the year:

"This year, God says, EVERYTHING in your life is coming up."

And then something happened I didn't fully expect, I wholeheartedly believed him.

I started writing notes furiously, for some reason this sermon struck a chord in my typical New Year cynicism. They read:

"This is the year of the come up. The weight will be loosened and burdens lifted. This is the year of results and fulfilled faith. This is the last year you're going to be believing God for certain things. Get ready to shift your faith. You're about to live what you've been seeing."

I believed him.

Homecoming: God will make room for your gift

10/29/2018

I'm sitting on an offer I've been waiting five years to hear.

At first I'd written this long sappy post detailing how I'd gotten to this point, but I know you all too well. You don't want to hear it, at least not today.

When I came to Florida, my heart was set on moving up within the station. At the time I was hired on as a reporter/fill-in anchor. I'd prayed that opportunities would come up that would give me a chance to step into a full-time anchor role. They did. I was passed over every single time.

At this point, between divorce, custody battles, financial difficulties, everything had fallen apart, and now my job too. To say I was frustrated, would be an understatement. I'd moved 1,300 miles away to watch my life crash and burn before my eyes.

Truth Hurts, when YOU are the problem

4/5/2018

At work.

I could feel the heat rising in my chest, to my face, if I was any lighter. the rose color would flush across my cheeks, exposing the vulnerability I felt in that moment.

I held back tears.

For far too long, my wheels have been spinning in my career. I know, my life looks glamorous to most, success has seemed continuous, and certainly I have made moves that some would envy. But, secretly I've stalled, in positions that ultimately, I do not love, and where my gifts have not fully flourished as I know they can. I've felt perpetual anxiety...how come they do not see me?

Again, I'd been passed up.

Trusting God, a testimony

3/10/2018

Friday night, I'm talking to my friend Jazmin Bailey. We both work grueling morning hours, a 3:00 am call time at our jobs in news, but we were set on attending an event to empower us both after shift. We made the trek about 40 minutes away to Disney for a Black Enterprise: Women of Power conference, and had a blast.

During our ride Jazmin shared with me God's dealing with her on obedience and trust, and his wanting to bless her. She kept bringing up the amount $100 and how he showed it to her several different ways. Literally, mid sentence, a friend randomly cash apps me $100. I tell her, and we got a good faith laugh out of that. Meanwhile, deep down I'd been having my own struggles with trusting God and whether he would really provide financially, as well as other ways. I said a prayer for my friend, who I was more than gracious sent the money, and moved on.

Fast forward to later in the night, and after being up about 23 hours...on the way home, I fell asleep while driving, one block from my subdivision. It was sudden, and quite frankly, terrifying.

Searching for Wakanda: When reality sets in

2/17/2018

I walked out of Black Panther feeling the power of the ancestors pulsating through my veins. It was a reminder of our resiliency, our greatness, our POWER.

However, I couldn't help but feel the pang of sadness, when the narratives got too close to my own reality, as a black woman, as an American. The feeling that we don't belong, and are not wanted. The longing for a home untouched by oppressors.

It happened when we first got into the car, my 8-year-old, still hyped from the film, asked in amazement, "is that place real?" And I didn't want to break her heart, because mine had already been broken a couple years prior.

That time I was on food stamps...

2/13/2018

I remember what it felt like to be on government assistance, walking in bleak offices with raggedy chairs. The faces staring up at me, sometimes from behind plex-glass, weren't always friendly.

"Next," a woman would yell from behind the glass. I had a name, but did it really matter? Just another black girl using the system. Those workers always looked tired, their attitude reflected that. Conversations short. They wanted my info. They wanted to be done.

Lemons, Lemonade, Lemonade Stand

12/31/2017

lemons~the evergreen citrus tree that produces the lemon, widely cultivated in warm climates

Picture it, Orlando, 2016. The day before New Year's Eve. The sun is shining, and despite its warmth, my soul is chilled. I look up, the rays on my face, God is there, somewhere, right? He has to be. My chest is tight. Breathing hurt, everything hurt. My life had become a prison, walls built one by one from my own decision making, and I was tired. I could not take anymore. I said a prayer, the exact words, escape me. But, I begged God for a sign, clarity, to save me. My marriage was killing me.

It's the little things...

8/27/2017

Honestly, I have an amazingly smart, responsible daughter.

This week I have been deathly tired, I mean TIRED, on top of that I've had a daily headache, and feel like that eclipse might have screwed with me. Anyone else?

Anyway, my 8-year-old came home Wednesday, cleaned up her room, did her homework without my telling her. I left Abram asleep on the couch and went to my room for a bit, next thing I know, she's walked him up the stairs, put him in the bed, closed the garage, turned off all the lights, plus brought me Advil and a drink (at my request). She'll also run Abram's bathwater, no problem, and is just great overall help. And this isn't a one day thing, she's consistently this way.

I could not have asked for a more mature, kind child. She just has a big heart and has made my transitioning to being alone with them so much easier.

Single. Mom.

8/26/2017

I pulled into the driveway, switched gears into "park" and let out one long breath. Exhale. You made it. I closed my eyes for a moment, opened them, closed again, stared at the garage door. That door, so far away. My body wasn't willing to make the steps. I could feel the exhaustion creeping through my bones, who am I kidding...that exhaustion had already settled into every crevice of my body and made a home there. I was tired.

Thank you for letting me share

7/1/2017

It took many months of reflection and healing to get to a point where I could begin to authentically share my story, publicly.

I am not ashamed, surprisingly I've been extremely open about things with people face-to-face...but often times the internet can take on a life of its own, so I wanted to be ready, come what may. Not to mention, the public nature of my career, already, and how this might conflict.

I also wanted to honor the place both my ex-husband, children, family, and friends have in my life. Taking special care not to be exploitative, gossipy, or use this venue as a diary, spilling out my darkest hour in a way that isn't productive.

No, I wanted this to be a space of healing, not only for myself, but for others. I remember, on the worst days, searching for stories where I could relate...at some point I realized I had to tell my own story, and it has truly been cathartic.

Yesterday, I clearly acknowledged my divorce, both here and on social media. I've done it in a more subtle way before, but not boldly. What transpired after pressing "send" was nothing short of beautiful, stories of pain and survival, and love and encouragement from people all across the country, those who know me well, and those who simply could connect. Heartbreak, of course, is universal. Love, loss, fear, devastation...we all know those feelings.

That moment of vulnerability for me was so powerful, and it's exactly why I began this project in the first place. God gave me this platform, and I know my story is meant to bring hope, and inspire others. I look forward to continuing to share, and hearing more of your stories as well.

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